It's raining tonight....it often rains when I am sad, it's as if the skies, my long lost friend, don't want me to cry alone, they too shed some tears, just to make me feel ok.
The streets are wet and empty, the trees are all washed, a simple act of nature makes a sordid and overcrowded city appear so beautiful and lonely, just like me, by day I am surrounded by people, colleagues, friends and patients, but I do my crying all alone, in the dark of the night. The clouds have done their thundering, the heavy storm is gone, only a steady drizzle is falling now, and it falls not on only on the parched Earth, it also falls on my parched heart, the raindrops remind me that my afflictions, my shortcomings, my wickedness shall vanish one day with my mortal frame, and one day I will once again be part of all that is good and innocent.
Why do I love the rain so much? when to others it's just a nuisance?, when they shut their windows to it why do I open mine?.......because it takes me back to my childhood, when everything in this world was magical, Mom and dad were the greatest people on Earth, and I was convinced somehow that I was God's special child. I remember still, being so little, gettig drenched in the rain, and staring at the skies above and wondering where all that water came from, I used to spend hours and hours in my silent contemplation, I remember opening my books and reading a poem, the words of which elude me now except for "pitter patter rain drops", and looking at pictures of men and women with their umbrellas, I remember Rainy days at school, I remember coming back home from school, all wet and mum creating a fuss over me, I remember playing with my sister and brother, Oh how I long for those days, I will never be 3,6,14 or even 16 again, I will never feel the careless joy of being a kid playing in the rain with the best playmates ever again, but everytime it rains atleast for one fleeting moment, I can recall distinctly what it was like to have been so sacred, so hopeful, so content and so very happy, without having been slightly aware of it at the time.........and that is all that I need today.

So what are the things that make me happy?
HOPE- Hope makes me happy, even the slightest whiff of hope makes me happy, its that elusive feeling, when my heart soars, and all the obstacles, all the distress begins to seem so tiny, even though I know that my hopes may or may not be fulfilled but at times even hoping seems like a luxury.
Raindrops on my face make me happy, watching those little drops falling out of no where from an endless, endless sky,is always an uplifting experience,sometimes it's as if the gentle skies are making it all happen for me and only me, no matter how old I get, I hope I will never get too jaded to enjoy the magic of a good rainfall, the smell of earth, the sound of birds, the smell of vegetation, so vigorous, the sight of leaves, shining as if brand new....
My little brother makes me happy, his voice, his stupid arrogance, his words make me happy, my little sister makes me happy, it is truly amazing how well we know each other, among the three of us words are really not required, we love each other unconditionally, for whatever the other person is, no questions asked, if I were to runaway tomorrow and make a complete mess of my life, I know my brother and sister would never love me any less; this assurance makes me happy. Besides how can I not love someone who composes a special song for me, while I am going all senti about him, he is posting this in my scrapbook
"aret fatso.ek song composition tumhare liye(dare not delete this scrap):
arey hum mote hain to kya hua dil vaale hain.
hum pizza pizza pizza ke chahne vaale hain
arey thode gol guppe to le aana.
weight loss prog. ko mujhse door rakhnna.
kya hain yeh duinya widout khana...
arey hum mote hain to kya hua dil vaale hain."
I tell him I am mad at him, but ofcourse I am not :)

My friend Abi makes me happy, the one person who is always ready to listen to my bak bak, no matter how endless, at times I get tired of talking, but the poor guy never tires of listening.
God bless all these people who make me happy.

Pursuit of happiness is the noblest pursuit there is, if each one of us, did only what we thought would make us happy, I am certain this Earth would have been a much better place, but that is not to be, because we are humans, because we are social animals, and to a certain extent our sense of self worth is affected by what others think of us, at several points of time in our life we come across situations where we must decide for ourselves, "Should I go for what I think will make me happy or should I go for what others tell me most certainly will make me happy", and the choice ofcourse is never an easy one, because we are all afraid of making mistakes and me, I am absolutely petrified, God knows I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, I have done things, I never should have done, I have not done things I should have, I have said things I shouldn't have ever ever said, so many times I said things just to make others happy, in the vain hope that perhaps they would like me more, I have put my trust in people I should never have trusted, all done in the blind pursuit of happiness, in the hope that one fine day, I will feel content and be truly, truly happy.